Things They Don’t Tell You About Being Pregnant

Things They Don’t Tell You About Being Pregnant

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that you will be tired ALL of the time

that you will have 50% more blood than usual

which means swollen hands and feet, which means you’ll go up a shoe size; and you’ll be more prone to nosebleeds and bleeding gums

that your uterus expands to 500 times its size, and nothing will fit, and you genuinely won’t give a fuck

that morning sickness lasts all day long, feels like a cross between the worst hangover of your life and a serious bout of the flu, that you won’t even be able to have a shower because the steam will make you gag, and that you’ll have to quit your dream job

that your body will become a cauldron of hormone soup, because your placenta will be producing as much oestrogen in a day as a non-pregnant person with a uterus would produce in 3 years

that you’ll be more likely to snore, but that if you’re single you won’t discover this until you’re on a hot, all weekend long date with a new lover. who’s a light sleeper.

that during birth your pelvic bone separates and never goes back again

that during pregnancy the muscles in your stomach separate, leaving you with absolutely zero core strength

that your lungs will be squashed so that you can’t breathe properly, making you feel like you’re having a permanent panic attack

that contrary to popular belief you’ll loose your appetite coz your tummy is also really squashed

that you’ll get constipation

that you’ll have permanent heartburn

that the baby will get the hiccups, usually just at the point when you’re trying to go to sleep for the night

that the baby will leach all the goodness from your body, leaving you with nothing. that you might loose your hair, or even some of your teeth, after the birth.

that you’ll feel incredibly, bone-achingly lonely, even though you’re never EVER actually alone anymore

that every single day you’ll find something new to worry about—whether you’ve eaten enough kale, whether the baby is too big or too small, whether the baby is in the right position, whether the baby will be a Liberal voter, whether you’ll make a terrible parent because when the cat pooed on the rug yesterday you yelled at it and even nearly hit it, and what if you do that when your child does a poo in the wrong place and you become tomorrow’s abusive mother headline?

that you’ll cry the first time you hear the baby’s heartbeat on your midwife’s stethoscope

that you’ll cry writing this poem

that isn’t really a poem because it doesn’t even rhyme

or have proper linebreaks

or use any poetic techniques you’ve ever learnt

that you’ll fall in love the hardest you’ve ever fallen

with someone whose face you haven’t even seen yet

and whose voice you haven’t heard

which sounds kinda like a bad Tinder romance

but with this one, you know you’ll always, always, swipe right

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4 thoughts on “Things They Don’t Tell You About Being Pregnant

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